I’ve been wanting to get back into the habit of writing every day for a while now. Occasionally, I’ll hear of someone who does this practice, and I always think, Yes, I want to start doing that again. They always talk about how beneficial it is. How it clears their mind-clutter. And I’m amazed they’ve been able to keep it up for so long.
Julia Cameron writes about this in The Artist’s Way, which I’ve started several times (but never finished). In the beginning of the book, she says the most important practice any artist can do is “Morning Pages”—writing every day as a way to clear mental clutter. I’ve benefited from this, but inevitably the practice gets stripped away by the stress of life.
I’ve mostly written in private rather than publicly. On a blog, for example. Which makes sense, I think. Who really wants to read the stream-of-consciousness, overworked, anxious thoughts of a self-reflecting artist working through their creative blocks?
There’s an interesting difference between sharing things publicly versus privately. I’ve felt this most tangibly in composing music. When I write music in private, things come together much more slowly. There’s less pressure to form a cohesive musical thought. But when I force myself to share musical ideas publicly with little snippets online, the ideas come together faster, because I don’t have the luxury of overthinking. I have to trust my gut.
I used to do this more often. Sharing publicly felt therapeutic, like it helped me process and work through things. But there was always the risk of being misunderstood. I didn’t like that. Eventually, it felt safer to keep everything to myself.
Honestly, it’s been extremely hard to start again. My brain is conditioned (thank you, phone?) to avoid expressing thoughts in long form. With writing words (and music) you’re forced to be present. Writing music is almost easier, in a way, because there are no words. There’s less to judge. But words… words mean something. When you share them, people can judge them, misunderstand them, twist them. It’s inevitable.
I’ve been out of the habit for so long that I’ve turned starting again into a mountain that feels impossible to climb. But I also know that when you’re facing something that feels insurmountable, there’s only one thing to do: put one foot in front of the other. In this case, one word after the other.
Life has been pretty hectic lately. We just got a 12 (now 13) week old puppy. This week has been a blur. We also just moved my fiancé’s business from the West Coast to the East Coast. There’s so much happening. Having a full-time job, raising kids, taking care of pets, managing my music career, helping my fiancé launch her business, taking care of our home… there is just. So. Much. How do people do it?
Our Google Calendar looks like a Jackson Pollock painting.
I’ve been feeling so scatterbrained that I somehow left my precious copy of The Count of Monte Cristo out in the rain. I love books. I love to read. And if I’m at the point where I’m leaving books outside in a downpour, something is off.
I know I’m the creator of my own chaos in a lot of ways. I take on too much. But it’s also a beautiful and full life.
I’m in the middle of working on new music, too. There’s this piece in D♭ major that has been so elusive to finish. I think it’s the same problem. Being unable to focus long enough. Afraid to sit with it. I don’t know.
I’ve been meditating regularly. A fifty-five days “streak” I think. That has helped a lot. I’m still overwhelmed. Still have a lot to deal with. But I think I’m calmer.
I guess this is my small effort to reclaim my attention. Our phones and technology are relentless. It’s tempting to give myself over to the stress of it all. Lately, in meditation, I’ve been focusing on what I do want. How I want to feel. What I want my life to look like. Because where attention goes, energy flows. I’ve given myself over to worry and stress for too many years.
So we’ll see what comes of this. I hope this is the first post of many. I’m doing it for myself. To clear my headspace. But also for others, if somehow it helps. Time to stop before I start overthinking it again.