getting unblocked

In my last post I mentioned wanting to take time to write about what “rules” would work for me in life, referencing the chapter on Seth Godin in Tim Ferriss’ book Tools of Titans.

There are no real rules, so make rules that work for you. (241)

What do I mean by “rules”? I guess guidelines might be a better word. Or principles. Principles and guidelines to help me live more authentically, and decide each moment how I want to use the precious time allotted to me? In the words of Mary Oliver:

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I want to create. And I want space for creativity. I love wide berths of space around obligations, to sit, walk, think, and let my mind wander.

I love how Thoreau puts it (quoted by Maria Popova in Tools of Titans):

The really efficient laborer will be found not to crowd his day with work, but will saunter to his task surrounded by a wide halo of ease and leisure. There will be a wide margin for relaxation to his day. He is only earnest to secure the kernels of time, and does not exaggerate the value of the husk.” (408)

With that in mind, here’s what I’ve learned:

If I do not think about how I want to fill my days, my days will be filled for me

In order to think about what I want, and how I want to spend my time, I need to make time for writing. Writing helps me organize and unblock thoughts that keep me from creativity. Think The Artist’s Way (Julia Cameron).

There is no excuse for not doing the things I want

There will always be limitations of time, money, attention, and resources. There are countless people, with fewer resources and privilege, and more limitations, who have done more than I ever will.

I want to view limitations more as creative constraints. Boundaries to work within, rather than walls to climb over.

Regarding time: I always have a choice in what I say “yes” and “no” to. To make space for creativity, I need to say “no” more.

Social media apps are designed to be addicting

Social media has been incredibly helpful for reaching people across the world with my music. However, it can be incredibly distracting.

It has also become less helpful over time for organic reach, because Meta, TikTok, and YouTube have changed their recommendation algorithms. Meta and TikTok particularly prioritize:

Viral content (to get and keep your attention)
Advertised and shop content (to get your money)

So what do I want my relationship with social media to be like?

I think, given the current landscape, unless I advertise or make more engaging content, I acknowledge that my online organic reach will only go so far. I’ve experimented with advertising, which has been incredibly helpful with new releases and selling vinyls. Sometimes I think, “Ideally I’ll figure out how to make more engaging content.” However, even as I write this I realize, it’s not primarily how I want to spend my time. Again, from Tools of Titans, Popova says:

When Kurt Vonnegut wrote ‘Write to please just one person,’ what he was really saying was write for yourself. Don’t try to please anyone but yourself…. The second you start doing it for an audience, you’ve lost the long game because creating something that is rewarding and sustainable over the long run requires, most of all, keeping yourself excited about it…. Trying to predict what [an audience will] be interested in and kind of pretzeling yourself to fit those expectations, you soon begin to begrudge it and become embittered—and it begins to show in the work. It always, always shows in the work when you resent it. And there’s really nothing less pleasurable to read than embittered writing. (410)

The same goes for music. Writing for others has always left me feeling empty. When I truly write for myself, for the joy of it, that is where the magic is.

Somehow I forget, again and again, that trying to fit myself into molds that corporate entities have defined for me, is the death knell for creativity.

So the answer is not “create more engaging content”. That is chasing an ever elusive goal, created by board room executives. Vanity metrics (views, likes, time watched, shares, etc.) are external pressures and constraints placed on us by corporations whose end-goal is solely the maximization of profits, not creative flourishing.

I am again reminded that the important thing is to do the work, day in, and day out. Show up, everyday, uncompromisingly. I already know what I am supposed to be doing. I just need to keep doing it, and stop trying to re-invent the wheel.

I’ve been wanting to get back into the habit of writing every day for a while now. Occasionally, I’ll hear of someone who does this practice, and I always think, Yes, I want to start doing that again. They always talk about how beneficial it is. How it clears their mind-clutter. And I’m amazed they’ve been able to keep it up for so long.

Julia Cameron writes about this in The Artist’s Way, which I’ve started several times (but never finished). In the beginning of the book, she says the most important practice any artist can do is “Morning Pages”—writing every day as a way to clear mental clutter. I’ve benefited from this, but inevitably the practice gets stripped away by the stress of life.

I’ve mostly written in private rather than publicly. On a blog, for example. Which makes sense, I think. Who really wants to read the stream-of-consciousness, overworked, anxious thoughts of a self-reflecting artist working through their creative blocks?

There’s an interesting difference between sharing things publicly versus privately. I’ve felt this most tangibly in composing music. When I write music in private, things come together much more slowly. There’s less pressure to form a cohesive musical thought. But when I force myself to share musical ideas publicly with little snippets online, the ideas come together faster, because I don’t have the luxury of overthinking. I have to trust my gut.

I used to do this more often. Sharing publicly felt therapeutic, like it helped me process and work through things. But there was always the risk of being misunderstood. I didn’t like that. Eventually, it felt safer to keep everything to myself.

Honestly, it’s been extremely hard to start again. My brain is conditioned (thank you, phone?) to avoid expressing thoughts in long form. With writing words (and music) you’re forced to be present. Writing music is almost easier, in a way, because there are no words. There’s less to judge. But words… words mean something. When you share them, people can judge them, misunderstand them, twist them. It’s inevitable.

I’ve been out of the habit for so long that I’ve turned starting again into a mountain that feels impossible to climb. But I also know that when you’re facing something that feels insurmountable, there’s only one thing to do: put one foot in front of the other. In this case, one word after the other.

Life has been pretty hectic lately. We just got a 12 (now 13) week old puppy. This week has been a blur. We also just moved my fiancé’s business from the West Coast to the East Coast. There’s so much happening. Having a full-time job, raising kids, taking care of pets, managing my music career, helping my fiancé launch her business, taking care of our home… there is just. So. Much. How do people do it?

Our Google Calendar looks like a Jackson Pollock painting.

I’ve been feeling so scatterbrained that I somehow left my precious copy of The Count of Monte Cristo out in the rain. I love books. I love to read. And if I’m at the point where I’m leaving books outside in a downpour, something is off.

I know I’m the creator of my own chaos in a lot of ways. I take on too much. But it’s also a beautiful and full life.

I’m in the middle of working on new music, too. There’s this piece in D♭ major that has been so elusive to finish. I think it’s the same problem. Being unable to focus long enough. Afraid to sit with it. I don’t know.

I’ve been meditating regularly. A fifty-five days “streak” I think. That has helped a lot. I’m still overwhelmed. Still have a lot to deal with. But I think I’m calmer.

I guess this is my small effort to reclaim my attention. Our phones and technology are relentless. It’s tempting to give myself over to the stress of it all. Lately, in meditation, I’ve been focusing on what I do want. How I want to feel. What I want my life to look like. Because where attention goes, energy flows. I’ve given myself over to worry and stress for too many years.

So we’ll see what comes of this. I hope this is the first post of many. I’m doing it for myself. To clear my headspace. But also for others, if somehow it helps. Time to stop before I start overthinking it again.

Tag: getting unblocked

Reclaiming My Attention